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Ask ShitStorm

Click here to ask ShitStorm for advice.

Entries are shown in reverse chronological order.

Question from Mr Mool King in Sydney on Fri Jun 19, 2009

Dear ShitStorm:
Why is it so hard to make pork pies and not that hard to completly bugger up everything?

Dear Mr Mool King:
I think it's related to the inverse relationship between quality control and market success.

Question from Ducky Face in Ireland somewhere... on Wed Sep 21, 2011

Dear ShitStorm:
i lost my leather teddy... who's gonna sleep with me now?

Dear Ducky Face:
I hear there is a teacher and cheerleader in the US you might try.

Question from thomas GUILP in alaska on Wed Jan 18, 2006

Dear ShitStorm:
I recently shit my pants and i want to share my good fortune with u fuckers.advice.patience.asshole.

Dear thomas GUILP:

Question from Grant Robinson in Falmouth, Cornwall, England on Thu Dec 05, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
For some reason I have moved from snowy Banff to wet and shitty England. What do I do now? It's really shitty and wet. Please don't tell me to move back to snowy Banff 'cause I've heard that already.

Dear Grant Robinson:
Not to worry, nobody here wants you back anyway.

Fill a tub with hot water. Next, add a few shovels full of lye. Now, using your face, agitate vigorously. If that doesn't take away your problems, nothing will.

Question from Hippy Cack in Boise on Tue Nov 05, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
I hate my boss but I'm my own boss... what do I do?

Ps. I like bicycles!

Dear Hippy Cack:
Well his mom is pretty nice - she always gives me a cookie after I fuck her.

Question from Hamster Boy in Denver on Sun Oct 20, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
What's the difference between an orange?

Dear Hamster Boy:
Well it's like my grandmother used to say.

Question from Ispo in Bar Blur on Thu Oct 17, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
Do I have to go to school while the sky rains shit?

Dear Ispo:

And while you're there you'll be made to stand outside in the school yard facing the sky with your mouth wide open so you can appreciate the gifts which God has seen fit to send you.

"And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them"
- Ezekiel 25:17

Question from Harmony Wonsap in Fayetteville on Sun Oct 13, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
Why do we forget the secrets of the universe? Are we just lazy?

Dear Harmony Wonsap:
Certainly the doors of universe won't open to the liars, and they cannot enter to Heaven if camel don't pass from needle hole.

Question from Quanangah in Brunasslam on Thu Sep 05, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
My car number is 4892 any problem with it?

Dear Quanangah:
Problem 4892 is my car with it? any number

Question from Quanangah in Brunasslam on Thu Sep 05, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
When will you reply?

Dear Quanangah:

Question from Smapty in Portage on Wed May 01, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
Hey fucknut what's your problem, ya goddamned bully fucking asswipe. Just joking, I like eating Spaghettios while wearing panties.

Dear Smapty:
One of our many problems is the litany of Popes who've died during sex:

  • Leo VII (936-9) died of a heart attack
  • John VII (955-64) was bludgeoned to death by the husband of the woman he was with at the time
  • John XIII (965-72) was also murdered by a jealous husband
  • Pope Paul II (1467-71) allegedly died while being sodomized by a page boy

Spaghettios haven't killed any of Popes that I've ever heard of.

Question from Rocket Man in Edmonton on Fri Apr 26, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
Why is there air?

Dear Rocket Man:
This is all part of the Big Conspiracy between the Sexually Impaired and the Rock 'n Roll Deprived. Air exists to KEEP YOU DOWN. Did you know that Canada canceled all of it's national beauty contests in 1992, claiming they were degrading to women?

Question from Rachelle in Edmonton, AB on Thu Jan 10, 2002

Dear ShitStorm:
I am a lesbian and pregnant. What should I tell my mom?

Dear Rachelle:
Tell her it's her fault for not spending enough time with you in your developing years.

Question from Carrie in Edmonton, AB on Wed Dec 19, 2001

Dear ShitStorm:
My best friend Michelle is going out with this guy named Anthony. He's been cheating on her with this little twat named Candice. I know her from the bar, and she's a real bitch. Michelle doesen't know that Anthony is screwing around on her, and I don't want her to know because it would kill her. But I told Anthony that if he didn't stop screwing around, I would tell on him, and he told me to fuck off. What should I do?

Dear Carrie:
Fuck off.

Question from Cindy in Edmonton on Wed Dec 19, 2001

Dear ShitStorm:
Whenever I try to kiss my boyfirend, he gets all nervous, and moves away. How come?

Dear Cindy:

Question from amialoser in Edmonton, AB on Sat Dec 15, 2001

Dear ShitStorm:
How do I know when I've become a total loser?

Dear amialoser:
To find out, follow these easy steps:

  • Pick any direction
  • Walk in that direction for 8 miles
  • You are a total loser

Question from Ashamed in Illinois on Fri Dec 14, 2001

Dear ShitStorm:
I have an alcohol problem and I need help. For the last three years I've been drinking constantly. My life is in shambles. I've really screwed up. Do you think I can still turn things around?

Dear Ashamed:
Well, that depends on how you look at things. On the one hand, you could stop drinking, but on the other hand, you'd still be a loser.

Question from Mr. Stanky in Wyoming on Fri Dec 14, 2001

Dear ShitStorm:
About three weeks ago I had a one-night-stand with some girl I met at the bar, and yesterday I found out that she gave me the "heebie-geebies". I'm so embarrassed. People can smell it, and then they look at me funny. The doctor told me I was crazy, and none of the medication he prescribed makes the smell go away. Can you help?

Dear Mr. Stanky:
Fill your tub with hot water. Get in. Add nine pounds of lye and agitate the water vigorously with your face. If that doesen't fix you, nothing will.